Public Buddies No 1
by Megiido
Summary: What happens when you take some monsters from the Underground, put them on the surface, and make them the world's most wanted for no reason at all? This. Contains an evil goat, magical skeletons, a robotic dance teacher, and two small children with a knack for shooting guns and throwing sharp objects. Crackfic with a (slightly) serious plot. Male!Frisk. Also being put on Quotev.
"CHARGE!"

A loud explosion violently rocks the ground, and a figure holding a large, bulky object falls to the ground, cursing.

"NOT YET!" it yells, clearly pissed off. "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO COUNT TO THREE FIRST?"

The other figure, the one who had yelled the order, let out a screech that caused the one on the ground to drop its object and cover its ears.

"IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!" it screams, and lifts an arm up to motion to the other figures behind it.

"IT'S NOW OR NOTHING, BOYS! CHHHHAAARRRGGGEEE!"

The people behind the loud figure let out a battle cry, and start to run towards their destination, which happened to be a large facility. A bunch of snipers on top of the roof of said facility came out from nowhere and began to shoot at the oncoming people.

The bullets whizz through the air, heading straight for their targets. Just as they were about to make their mark, a large shape flies into the path of the bullets. They ping harmlessly off the shape, and it roars, shaking the ground again. The one in the front drops again and shakes its object at the roaring figure.

"COULD YOU PLEASE STOP MAKING ME FALL? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE HITTING THEM!" it waves a hand towards the snipers, who had also fallen because of the roar.

The dark shape immediately stops making noise and raises two giant paws into the air as if defending itself. "Alright, alright, there's no need to get your trousers in a twist, Un-"

It suddenly flinches back as the figure with the bulky object screams in fury and throws said object at the snipers. They barely have time to react when the object slams into three of the snipers in the front, and they fall on top of their buddies next to them. The one who had thrown the object (which happened to be a spear), pulls another one of the weapons seemingly from nowhere and screams again.

"WHY THE HECK DO YOU CALL THEM TROUSERS ANYWAYS, HUH? WHY NOT PANTS LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?!"

The bulky shape manages to look offended even though it was the middle of the night and no one would even see its offended look anyways.

"Trousers is a perfectly acceptable way of describing a garment you wear on your lower body. I would even say it's a better way of saying _pants_."

It was about to say more when a small shape appears next to it. It reaches across its chest and pulls out a metal stick, which it promptly throws at the snipers, knocking out one of them.

The bulky shape looks aghast. "Get back behind me or you're going to get yourself killed!"

The small one lets out a heavy sigh and slumps its shoulders. "But Dad, I've been practicing!"

"No buts. Go back with everyone else or you'll die."

It whimpers and was about to turn around when the screaming figure interjects with its own comment.

"Come on Fluffybuns, let the kid have fun. Plus, it'll give him a less chance of dying when we do this again."

The small one perks up and shuffles from one foot to the other, readying another stick. "Please Dad? Please please please please?"

The large one ruffles the top of the smaller one's head. "Alright, just don't go alone. Take your friend with you."

"Yay!" it cheers, and runs back, almost crashing into another person walking towards the facility. The latter doesn't notice and avoids the smaller one, holding what looks to be a selfie stick high in the air. Only this selfie stick didn't hold a phone, but had been modified to hold a large tablet.

It waddles towards the oncoming sniper bullets, and was about to get hit by them if it hadn't been for another thrown stick deflecting them. The tablet casts a white square of light, illuminating the features of the short yellow dinosaur lizard in a lab coat holding the selfie stick.

She yells over the gunshots and explosions, walking around rocks and clumps of grass to get a better view of the facility and the gunmen on top. She appeared to be recording a video.

"This is Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 123 on a new episode! And today, we are attempting to attack one of the most mysterious and most well guarded places in the United States: Groom Lake. Or as many of you may know it, Area 51!"

Another grenade explodes next to her, and she didn't even flinch. There was a loud noise overhead, and the dinosaur tilts the screen upwards to catch a view of the planes that had suddenly appeared.

"As you can see here, they are trying to drive us off with an aerial attack! But we have dealt with many of these before, and we have trained properly to defend ourselves!"

As if to prove her correct, a tall, skinny figure bolts in front of her and raises a long stick towards the night sky. The stick begins to glow an eerie orange color, and it shoots out three separate beams of flame-colored light. The beams all hit one of the planes, and it disappears in a brilliant flash of orange.

The tall figure jumps around, whooping. "I DID IT I DID IT DID YOU SEE ME, UNDYNE? I DID IT!"

The dinosaur inclines the screen back to the facility. All the snipers had been taken care of, and the base was unnaturally quiet. So were the people attacking it (except for the loud one with the stick), and they wait for whatever was coming next.

Suddenly, a bunch of troops run out of the base, armed with various weapons. The attackers stare at them as the troops begin to charge at them.

"Alright," the one called Undyne mutters, cracking her knuckles. "Hand-to-hand combat. My favorite."

They charge the troops, and all-out warfare ensues. The loud one with the stick takes care of the remaining planes, while the yellow dinosaur records and the others fight.

Undyne smashes a soldier across the chest with her spear and spins it to deflect bullets. She kicks another one in the face and turns to yell at the bulky figure.

"Asgore! Back me up here! And bring the kids!"

Asgore leaps into the fray, and he lands on top of a few humans. While still on the ground, two small children appear on his back and begin throwing objects.

One of the children, a human, jumps from Asgore's back and takes out a pair of nunchucks. Spinning them, he slugs some troops with them and throws a metal rod at another.

"Come on, Asriel! This is fun!" the human child calls, still spinning the nunchucks. "You'll get to use your batons!"

The other kid, a small white goat wearing pants and a yellow and green striped shirt, vaults from Asgore and lands next to the child. He takes out two metal batons and begins to whack troops over the head with them.

"You're right, Frisk!" he yells gleefully, throwing another stick. "This IS fun!"

Meanwhile, the tall figure had gotten rid of the last planes. It runs next to Undyne and Asgore, starting to fight with them.

"YOU'LL BE DEFEATED YET AGAIN, HUMANS! JUST GIVE UP AND LET US TAKE THE BASE!" it screeches.

It blasts a troop with an orange beam, and the soldier promptly turns into a fluffy brown rabbit. It hops away, terrified.

Undyne growls, smacking another troop with her spear. "Is it just me, or are there more of them?"

She wasn't wrong. More humans had been coming out of the base in a steady stream.

Asgore grabs a soldier by the arms and spins him around, clearing a small space for the others to move around. The yellow dinosaur comes forwards and points the tablet to the base.

"And more have come seemingly from nowhere! But do not despair, subscribers! We will live to record another episode!"

The soldiers get closer, and she could see that most of them were carrying rocket launchers. A few of them even had miniguns.

The dinosaur mutters under her breath.

"Or maybe not."

The tall one holds his stick in the air. "DON'T WORRY, ALPHYS! WE SHALL BEST THESE HUMANS!"

And the two sides clash once more. But this time, the troops were winning.

Asgore takes two humans and cracks their heads together. "There's too many!" he yells.

Undyne continues fighting off about 7 people at a time while the tall one with the stick tries to help her. The two children, Frisk and Asriel, form a tag team and defend themselves. Surprisingly, no one attacks Alphys. She's just like that.

The tall one with the stick blasts another troop. "ASGORE'S RIGHT!" It takes the stick and raises it high. "TIME TO BRING OUT THE BIG GUNS!"

The stick shoots out another light. It changes color as it spirals upwards, and once it gets high enough, explodes in a burst of blue and yellow.

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Everyone looks up, including the enemy, because that's what they do when something that advances the plot happens. The colors spread out, falling like shooting stars.

A low rumbling shakes the earth, and everyone staggers. The rumbling gets louder, and a tiny blue light appears in the sky.

It disappears, and the ground in front of Area 51 explodes.

A gigantic dragon skull erupts from the ground, showering everyone with dirt and sending the unlucky people who happened to be near it when it came out flying. It rises slowly, its eye sockets black and void of any pupils. It stops and opens its mouth with a sound like a squeaky door hinge.

The skull floats there, mouth open, eyes empty. It looked as if it was going to remain there forever until an idiot human decides to shoot at it.

The two black eye sockets suddenly flare up with a blue light. It looks around, its eyes like two blue searchlights. It fixes them on the human soldiers, and it lets out a bloodcurdling shriek of fury.

It shoots out a blue beam of energy from its mouth, and no one knows whether to cover their ears because of the wailing or to cover their eyes because of the light.

Eventually, the light disappears, and the monsters look up.

All of the human troops were gone without a trace. All that was left was the skull, which had stopped its caterwauling and was starting to lower itself to the ground.

The tall shape storms up to the skull and looks up at it, shaking its fist.

"WHY DID YOU TAKE SO LONG?! WE COULD'VE **DIED!** "

The skull shrugs even though it doesn't have any shoulders.

The tall figure pats the skull on the bridge of its nose. "NO, NOT YOU, BONES. YOU DID A FINE JOB. I'M TALKING TO MY LAZYBONES OF A BROTHER. **WHO I KNOW IS UP THERE!** " It aims its stick at the top of the skull. "GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

A shadowy shape peers from the top of the skull. It sighs and slides down to the ground, waving a hand at Bones the skull. Bones departs in a poof of blue smoke.

The short shape rubs the back of its head with a hand. "Not even a thank you, Papyrus? I do all of this for you, and you're mad. I see."

Papyrus was flustered. He waves the stick in front of his brother. "I'M NOT SAYING THAT I'M UNGRATEFUL! I'M JUST ASKING WHY YOU TOOK SO LONG!"

The short figure gently pushes the stick away and grins. "I sort of fell asleep, ok? And take your thing away from my face. I don't _wand_ you to hit me with it." He winks.

Papyrus shrieks and stomps his foot. "SANS!"

Sans shrugs, still grinning good-naturedly and walks over to Alphys, who was continuing her video with Frisk and Asriel.

"So, Papyrus was correct. We beat the humans and took the base!"

Frisk and Asriel cheer.

"And here's the guy who saved us all! Sans the skeleton!"

Sans saunters in like he was in a talk show. He looks up at the tablet.

"Hey guys. Sure, I may have gotten rid of the troops and everything, but it was Papyrus here who actually signaled for me to come. So, you guys should be congratulating him, not me."

The tall skeleton stops screaming and looks up. "R-REALLY?" he says.

Sans whistles. "Yup."

Papyrus runs up to the tablet and picks the short skeleton up. He bounces Sans up and down, and his brother doesn't even mind.

"I'M PAPYRUS AND THIS IS MY BROTHER SANS. HE'S THE COOLEST BROTHER EVER!"

Alphys begins to walk towards the base, with Papyrus chattering about how cool Sans was and how he finally got to use his wand.

Undyne and Asgore follow with the kids.

"Would you look at that." Undyne mutters. "We actually did it."

Asgore grunts. "At least this is safer than that penthouse in New York."

That was a long story involving MasterCards with unlimited money, human disguises, and ended with the penthouse blowing up and everyone escaping on vintage WWII tanks.

Frisk puts his nunchucks away. "But we had fun! We got to eat hotdogs and sleep in hotels and spend a lot of money!" He turns to Asriel. "And remember that one time when we all jumped off that skyscraper?"

Asriel nods excitedly. "That was great!"

Undyne sighs, tucking her spear away behind her back. "We only did that because a Goat Patrol was right on our tails." She lets a slight smile escape. "And yes, it was pretty fun."

"Whoo!" Asriel exclaims. He and Frisk run up to the tablet and join the others to enter Area 51.

They approach the biggest building there, the one that had harbored the snipers that had shot at them in the first place.

Alphys gets to the door first. She zooms in to the door of the facility, which was locked with what looked to be a password of some sort.

"And we get to the door. As you can see, it is locked, but I can crack the code in a matter of seconds. Just give me my-"

She was about to say something when Undyne suddenly rushes forward and slams shoulder-first into the door. It bends with a screech of metal against metal, and the blue fish slams into it again.

The door falls, even though it is made of the most durable, bulletproof metal. Because Undyne's strong like that.

Alphys stares at the fallen door. "Or...we could do that."

She points the camera into the hallway of the facility, and everyone gasps dramatically.

The glow of the tablet lights up the hallway. The walls were lined with weird green alien looking symbols on both sides.

"Impressive. Most impressive." The short dinosaur is filled with delight as the squad enters the building and walk down the hall, guided by Alphys' tablet.

"Woah." Frisk murmers, staring at the symbols. "Guess there really were aliens here."

"Maybe they're still here." Asriel says.

Undyne pokes a symbol with the tip of her spear, and it glows faintly before becoming dark again.

"Weird." She mutters.

They continue down and reach a fork in the hallway.

Alphys hands Papyrus the selfie stick and stands in front of it.

"So, we have reached an intersection." She motions to the two hallways with a claw. "One leads to a safe haven, and the other to a long and painful death."

Papyrus almost drops the stick. "DEATH?!" He screeches. "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

Alphys signals for him to hush. "I'm doing it for a more dramatic effect." She hisses.

"As I said, one's victory and the other's death. We must make a choice. But don't worry, I have a foolproof way to get to the correct choice." She closes her eyes and sticks a scaley arm out to point at the left hallway.

"Eeny meeny miney moe." She whispers.

Once she finishes, she opens her eyes to find herself pointing at the right hallway.

"Right it is!" She adjusts her glasses, takes the tablet from a speechless Papyrus, and marches on.

Everyone follows Alphys down the right corridor, which didn't have any alien symbols and was dimly lit. Plus, it smelled bad.

They reach the end of the corridor and find themselves facing a steel door. The whole place had a really shady feel to it.

"This looks like the place where they sold drugs to the soldiers." Undyne says, and glances at the door.

Asgore gasps and slams Frisk and Asriel's heads together, Three Stooges style. He covers their ears and looks at Undyne with wide eyes.

"Don't say that around the kids, Undyne!" he whispers.

"Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow" Asriel exclaims, trying to struggle out of his father's grip.

The fish snorts and rolls her eyes. "C'mon, Fluffybuns, they need to know the real world. You're starting to sound like-"

Undyne stops herself before she could finish the sentence. Instead, she points her spear at the door.

"So, we go in or not?"

"According to my calculations, and judging by the baggie on the floor, the place is safe." Alphys proclaims. The two "innocent" children shout with joy and start to run towards the door.

"NO, DON'T GO THERE!" Asgore roars, and throws himself to block the kids. But, knowing the goat, he was too slow (or in this case, too fast) and he hits his head on the door, making a large dent in the steel.

Undyne, Papyrus, and Sans all collectively wince.

"Oooh, that's gotta hurt." Sans mumbles.

Asgore sits up, rubbing his head. "Ouch."

Asriel goes over to him and pats his head. "Don't worry, Dad, I'll open the door!"

The goat child goes to the door and grabs the handle, pulling at it. The force of Asgore's headbutt had bent the door in its frame, causing it to get stuck.

Frisk runs up to his friend and tries to help him open the door. But however hard they try to wrench it open, it won't budge.

"Here, let me try." Undyne walks up to the door, grabbing the handle and pulling with all her might.

The door makes a loud screeching noise and flies off of its hinges.

Undyne stares at the door in her hands. "Welp, I guess that does the trick." She drops it with a metallic clatter and steps back to let Alphys through.

The yellow dinosaur had turned off the tablet after uploading the video to her YouTube. But when sees the room, her mouth falls open and she fumbles for the tablets on switch.

The whole entire far wall of the room was dominated by a gigantic computer screen surrounded by other smaller screens. Under them was a long table with a huge keyboard placed on top. The largest screen was on a website that had an enter password tab open.

Alphys' eyes gleam and she rushes over to the keyboard, pulling up a chair that had randomly appeared there.

She hands the tablet to Papyrus again. "Start recording, because this is going to be a wild ride, boys."

Papyrus taps the recording button, and Alphys spins around in her chair and looks at the tablet, the glow of the computers behind her casting an eerie blue glow.

"Welcome, fellow subscribers, to another episode by Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 123! I know this is a quick update, but we found something that I couldn't just resist to film." She motions for Papyrus to come closer. "We are now in Area 51, and here we have some computers! Now, if you've been following up on my videos, you know how great I am with technology. But this is no regular technology. This is government technology!

"All of us here, Undyne, Papyrus, Sans, Asgore, me, even the kids, we all have something against the government. We don't like them, they don't like us. So, as a sort of...revenge for something that happened a while back, I will do this."

Alphys turns back to the computer screen and starts typing rapidly on the keyboard. She presses enter, and the computer accepts the password and takes her to a website with tons of random links and the US Great Seal in the top left corner.

She continues slamming the keyboard, and the other smaller screens turn on and begin to scroll through many pages of code.

Alphys finally stops, and Papyrus moves the camera upwards to get a better view of the large screen. It was on another password page, but his one had a symbol everyone recognized. It had four blue arcs, the largest one at the top and the other three below it, progressively getting smaller as the went down.

Alphys looks at the tablet with a slightly maniacal grin on her face. "You all know what this is, fellow subscribers, don't you? This is the bane of everyone's existence. This is what controls America. This is WiFi."

She clicks on the space to type in the password, and glances at the tablet again.

"Now, I'm not doing this because I hate you guys. All of you have honestly been so awesome through this entire crazy adventure. But, someone's gotta pay. And that someone is the United States."

She types in the password, and is taken to one lone button.

Alphys hovers the cursor over the button, and turns to the tablet, her eyes covered by the gleam of her glasses.

"Bet you're gonna miss those little bars of yours, huh America?"

She clicks the button and mutters something under her breath.

"This is for Mettaton, you filthy bastards."

Papyrus stops recording and hands the tablet to Alphys. "WOW." He says. "THAT WAS INTENSE."

Alphys swipes the screen of her tablet. "I've got about half an hour before the WiFi actually shuts down, so that'll give me plenty of time to upload the video and get enough views."

Everyone else had been watching the whole ordeal in awe.

"What about us?" Sans says, motioning to the rest of the gang. "We're not staying without WiFi, aren't we?"

"No. This will be the only area in the United States with accessible Internet. And we have a password." Alphys says.

"Cool." Sans walks towards the left wall, where there was another door. He opens it and pokes his head inside.

"Hey, there's a TV here! And a couch!"

Everyone runs inside, including Alphys. Frisk finds a remote and turns the television on.

"Oh yeah, I only deactivated the WiFi, not the service. So everyone can still receive messages and phone calls and stuff. And the TV channels work, too. Don't ask me how that works." Alphys says as Frisk surfs through the channels.

He stops at a comedy show and begins to watch it with Sans. They were only a few minutes in when the Seal of the US appears on the screen.

"Aw, come on!" Frisk complains, grabbing the remote and tries to switch the channel.

The Seal stays there and was soon replaced with the image of a random guy sitting in the Oval Office.

"We have received a threat from the notorious YouTube channel, Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 123. Apparently, they have taken Groom Lake and have shut down all of America's Internet."

Alphys raises a scaley eyebrow. "That fast, huh?"

"We have alerted the President, and she is immediately starting to take care of them. She has also announced something else.

"This Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 123, and all people affiliated with them, have been considered as Public Enemy Number One."

The broadcast ends there, and everyone stares at the television, silent.

Frisk pipes up. "Does this mean we get our own TV show?"

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **Yay! An Undertale story!**

 **This is a collab between a friend and I, so we will update whenever we have inspiration for this crazy thing.**

 **Remember to R &R, and have a great day!**

 **Update: Fixed a few spelling errors, changed the summary, etc.**


End file.
